It’s certainly not without personal conflict to announce having made the tough decision to revoke my name and talk from this year’s a11yTO Conf.
I suspect that for many, this will be disappointing news.
If I have let you down and you are disappointed, I am sorry. For the organizers and selection committee who work hard to put on this amazing conference, I am sorry. To the people’s lives I could have impacted in a positive way, I am sorry. To the people I hoped to inspire to take action and help others with personal insight shared, I am sorry.
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The reason I am dropping out is simple. The mental / cognitive energy this talk requires, is and will continue to interfere with the number one priority in my life, my three and five year old girls.
I realize yes that it’s only a two day thing, and that my talk itself only ~17 minutes. I recognize and agree that the time to prepare and deliver, isn’t tantamount. I know what I want to say, and have shared a version of it already to many a hundred plus times over.
The problem is not the talk itself, but rather the pressure that is felt subconsciously for the duration leading up to the talk. I can tell myself over and over (which I’ve been doing) that it doesn’t have to be that way, but when I do—I’m being insincere and disingenuous to myself and others.
At least for where I personally am *at this point in my life*, it’s a huge weight on my shoulders. A weight that weighs heavily on my subconscious and inadvertently affects my day to day life, in obvious and not so obvious ways. My ability to be fully present in the here in now becomes tainted if not near impossible.
Knowing who and how I am, means that this talk will unequivocally interfere with my ability to show up every day as my best self for my family (most notably my girls). Being fully present, and doing things with and/or for them that directly benefits them today and in the future, is what matters most and has to be my top priority.
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For years, I wanted Zoé (our oldest daughter) to join Scouts. This year, she is finally old enough to join. Giving this talk, would have been at the expense of me investing time to get her signed up and doing whatever is needed to volunteer and chaperon her.
Giving this talk, would be at the expense of building the girls the tree house or bunk beds I want to build them or spending a weekend with them doing something *they* want to do.
This October, is my ten year wedding anniversary. This talk, would directly and indirectly interfere with mental energy and actual time spent with my wife to celebrate an important milestone that will otherwise come and go in a taken for granted sort of way.
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Life with young kids, to me is the most beautiful thing I have ever experienced and one that I absolutely adore. I’m the sort of person who will grieve these very days when my kids were young and full of exuberant energy, joy, relentless smiles and belly aching laughter.
As beautiful as life with young kids is, doing it *right* is no easy feat. It’s quite often exhausting. To do it right requires a continued practice of mindfulness and equanimity. Giving this talk would ultimately push me past my capacity.
It’s not a question of courage, or inability. I have never felt more capable and confident. It’s just that doing it, and doing it with deserving impact, would be at too many other expenses I am not willing to sacrifice at this time in my life.
Looking back on life, would I not be proud to have given this talk? Absolutely and without a doubt. But, if you contort that question just a bit and ask "would or will you have any regrets later in life about having done this in exchange for that?", then the answer becomes almost indefinitely "yes" (for me at least).
Why? Well, for all the good this opportunity possesses, as selfish as this may sound, I can’t justify jeopardizing other stuff that is about keeping my mental bandwidth and young family at the forefront. I do not feel like I can juggle both without one being adversely affected.
Just appreciating the every day niceties and simple things of life with our adorable toddlers—taking it all in for what it’s worth with an unperturbed head. Focusing on my continued efforts at being as present as I can be and grateful for as many seconds as I can because before I know it, it will all be past and gone. And because well, we don’t know what tomorrow has in store for us. If I’m not attentive enough about these little details that radically matter, I will kick myself for it one day.
I don’t want to look back on these years and realize there’s nothing but a wall of fog or a complete void filled with fuzzy and incomprehensible details. I want to see a clear picture and image of me playing with my girls and laughing with them. I want to see me and my family growing together and building unforgettable experiences, because that’s what will always matter most to me.
In my heart, I know this is the right decision, one that will come with no regrets later in life. My hope is that by sharing this open letter, I am at least bringing understanding to anyone disappointed by the news.
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For what it’s worth, despite dropping out I’m committing to posting one or more posts to substitute the talk I was supposed to give.
Perhaps one day, when my girls are older and not craving every minute of my attention, I will revisit this endeavour. Until then, a big thanks to everyone who made this opportunity possible. I will be forever humbled and grateful that I caught your attention and that you were willing to hear what I had to say.
As for this year’s talks, I have no doubt that the other speakers’ words will reverberate with their audience in ways that inspire us all to keep keeping on with the good fight for better digital accessibility, for ALL.
<3